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TO: Assorted and Sundry Television Executives
FROM: Yours truly, Average Viewer
RE: My TV Needs
Well, it is Day Two of National TV-Turnoff Week, and I am one happy
book-reading, letter-writing, romance language-learning camper. I am
living the commercial-free life, and I love it.
How much don't I miss the fruits of your labor? Let me count the ways: Ally
McBeal and her dancing baby, Andy Rooney and his opinions, Jerry Seinfeld
and anybody, President Clinton and everybody. I haven't seen David Spade's
pointy face in almost a week, and I feel light-years younger already.
In fact, I am so pleased with my unplugged existence, I might just keep it
that way. So I hereby announce that I will be holding my viewership hostage
until my TV needs are met. You've got the power, but I've got the remote.
Here's what it will take to make me use it:
- An in-home visit from a team of experts who can explain the following
made-for-TV mysteries to me:
- Why should I laugh at "The Drew Carey Show"?
- Why should I find "Dharma & Greg" charming?
- Why do the women on "Friends" keep getting smaller?
- Who is watching "Love Boat: The Next Wave," and what can we do to stop
them?
- Extended vacations for Barbara Walters, the Taco Bell dog and MTV's
"Road Rules."
- A promise that Billy Crystal will host all award shows for all time,
those creepy Claritin commercials will go back to the mother ship and "The
Nanny" will just go away.
- A guarantee that Garry Shandling will not be allowed to leave "The Larry
Sanders Show" until I say he can. Which will be never.
- Further guarantees that "Just Shoot Me" will live up to its snide
potential, my cable bill will never exceed my mortgage and "Homicide: Life
on the Street" will run forever and ever. Amen.
- Since we're on the subject, chief medical examiner Julianna Cox
(Michelle Forbes) must return to "Homicide" immediately. Also, Janeane
Garofalo should get her bristly self back to "Seinfeld" before it's too
late. Janeane will be fine, but Jerry could use some help.
- No more cute commercials that make beer look as harmless as soda pop.
- No more graphic commercials that make pore cleansing products and toe
fungus medications look as gross as they really are.
- News stations using deaths, disasters or violent crimes to "tease" their
upcoming newscasts will be required to get to the story immediately. Any
attempt to "milk" said tragedy through multiple commercials will be met
with death, disaster or violent crime.
- After her May 10 guest appearance on "King of the Hill,"
singer-songwriter Ani DiFranco will stick around for "The X-Files," where
she will flirt shamelessly with agents Mulder and Scully and give all the
naked aliens their own rubber skirts.
- And finally, if you want my eyeballs back, I must insist on a lifetime
of opportunities for the people (and the shows) who keep me watching in
spite of myself: Matthew Perry ("Friends"), David E. Kelley (producer of
"Ally McBeal," "The Practice," "L.A. Law," etc.), "Law & Order," Greg
Germann ("Ally McBeal"), VH-1's "Behind the Music" series, Kyle Secor
("Homicide: Life on the Streets"), Wallace Langham ("The Larry Sanders
Show" and "Veronica's Closet"), and anyone who has anything to do with
"Frasier."
These are my demands. Thank you in advance for your cooperation. And hey,
no flipping!
KARLA PETERSON can be reached by phone (619) 293-1275, fax (619) 293-2436
and e-mail (karla.peterson@uniontrib.com).
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