Janeane Garofalo serves up the dish on dating, dieting and Dubya

By Russell Scott Smith

JANEANE GAROFALO HAS 12 TATTOOS, some in places she can't show to strangers. A few are in plain sight, however: She has the Japanese character for wisdom on one shoulder and the character for happiness on the other. A black floral design rings her forearm, and underneath it, Garofalo has etched the word think.

     That's appropriate, because thinking is exactly what Garofalo, 36, does best. Since starting her stand-up comedy career in the late '80s, this daughter of a New Jersey oil executive and his secretary wife has established herself as one of her generation's most intelligent and approachable comedians. She doesn't tell jokes so much as talk openly to an audience; going to one of Garofalo's shows feels like hanging around her living room, listening to her bitch about dating, politics, popular culture and anything else that ticks her off.

     Though stand-up is still her passion, Garofalo is best known as an actor. In 1992, she hooked up with frequent artistic partner (and one-time boyfriend) Ben Stiller for his Emmy-winning but short-lived Fox sketch comedy program, The Ben Stiller Show. Two years later, she was a regular on Saturday Night Live and Winona Ryder's best friend in Stiller's directorial breakthrough, Reality Bites. Since then, Garofalo has been omnipresent on television (Seinfeld, The Larry Sanders Show) and in such films as The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996), Mystery Men (1999), Steal This Movie (2000) and this month's Wet Hot American Summer.

     Along the way, Garofalo has picked up a few critics, notably Joan Rivers, who ridiculed Garofalo on TV in 1997 for wearing a favorite pair of black pants and a brown sweater to the Emmy Awards. "Janeane Garofalo looks like a bag lady," Rivers shrieked during her critique of the evening's fashion. "Is this girl a pig or what?"

     Rivers just didn't get it. There are plenty of people who love Garofalo, not only for her wit but because she wears what she wants and because she seems happy with her normal feminine figure (which is slightly rounder than today's ultra-slender movie-star ideal). Garofalo, who splits her time between New York and Los Angeles, has dated actors Mitch Rouse (of the 1998 sitcom The Secret Lives of Men) and Craig Bierko (who recently starred in the Broadway revival of The Music Man) and she is now with a New York musician she won't name. Presumably all those guys like her style - although the somewhat insecure Garofalo says she finds that difficult to believe.

How would you describe your sex appeal?

Nonexistent.

Really? I know lots of people who think you're hot.

Maybe a handful. But they only say that because it's an interesting position to take.

Oh, please. I know your production company is called I Hate Myself Productions, but this is too much.

I'm just being pragmatic, not self-deprecating.

How would you describe the guys who fall in love with you?

They're the guys you would find in comic-book stores, or who go to They Might Be Giants and Barenaked Ladies shows.

Are women attracted to you?

Yes, I think a lot of lesbians out there think that I'm not being honest with myself. But it's not true. I would have absolutely no problem saying I'm gay. I just don't happen to be gay.

Do women come on to you?

I get a lot of letters and gifts. A lot of hand-made jewelry and T-shirts, you know - very from-the-heart type gifts.

See. People love you. People in their rooms in the suburbs are making gifts for you.

Yeah, but people in their rooms in the suburbs are making gifts for Justin Timberlake, too.

How did you lose your virginity?

The regular way. By having sex.

OK. But where?

On a crosstown bus. No. Just kidding. It happened in my college apartment with my college boyfriend. I was 21 years old, a very late bloomer.

Was it a drunken thing?

No. I didn't start drinking until I was about 30, believe it or not. I've really made up for lost time in the last six years.

Was it a planned event?

Well, we had been going out for about two years, and we had basically done every other thing you could do, so it was really just a matter of "Oh, my God, what are we waiting for?" Once we had sex for the first time, it was like, "I can't believe I was so psychologically weird about that," and we ended up having sex all the time.

You are frequently asked about body-image issues. What do you think about our culture's obsession with weight?

I find it absurd that so many magazines put dieting on their covers. It's a way to keep the culture's head in the sand, and, in particular, to keep women down. Some people can tell you in great detail about the eating habits of various Hollywood stars, but they can't tell you who the prime minister of Canada is. They can't tell you about anything that matters politically.

Do you ever wish you were skinnier?

Sometimes I feel physically uncomfortable when I'm walking around on a hot August day. But the couple of times when I've lost weight, it just didn't feel right to me.

Still, there was a famous incident in 1996 where you lost 25 pounds in six months to try to get a movie role, and then you wound up not getting it anyway.

It was more like 25 pounds in six weeks, or maybe nine weeks.

How did you do it?

I stopped eating. I drank nothing but coffee. And I smoked a lot of cigarettes. Plus, I took Dexatrim, and I ran. You would be surprised how fast you can lose weight if you go into deprivation mode.

That sounds like an eating disorder.

Yes, it does. But I figured when the movie wrapped, I would go back to the way I was before.

Why do that to yourself? It seems to go against everything you stand for.

I thought this movie was going to be huge. If you do really well in a high-profile film and it makes a lot of money, then that makes everything in this business a lot easier.

What movie was it?

I won't say because I'm friends with the director. But as it turns out, the movie was huge. And the person who played it was really excellent and did a way better job than I could have ever done.

Did you gain the weight right back?

You gotta eat.

What are your favorite indulgences?

Anything you put in front of me. If I had to pick a favorite, I would say corn chips and guacamole. But I'll eat any damn thing you put out.

You're such a smart observer of current events. You regularly do commentary on news programs like MSNBC's Hardball With Chris Matthews. Maybe you should be president some day.

I'm excited by politics, but I wouldn't want to be president. I don't think even President Bush wants to be president. Whenever you see him on television, the expression on his face says, "This sucks. Why did I let my dysfunctional family get me into this?"

It seems like Bush sees the presidency as a steppingstone to some job he really wants, like commissioner of baseball.

I feel that all he has ever wanted was to own a sports team and live the life of a privileged guy. And then somehow, through some kind of miscommunication, I guess, he wound up getting the Republican nomination. I bet he was as bummed as anyone that John McCain didn't get it. And then he was probably praying that Al Gore would win the whole recount. He was like, "Please, God, please God," and probably got a big anxiety boil on his face. Now that he's president, I think Bush looks as depressed and upset as anyone would in that situation. It's too much stress.