When you want to get to Liz Vassey, you’ve got to go through her advance men — Phil and Geoffrey. She’s close to them. They are, after all, her breasts. She gave them names to help her on the set of the new FOX sitcom The Tick, in which she plays Captain Liberty. “It’s hard to keep everything in place,” says Vassey of her friends. “It’s a weird costume — everything has to be perfectly placed. I had to name my breasts so I could say to the wardrobe lady, ‘OK, move Phil to the right.’”
Happily for you, Liz and the boys have been bouncing around prime-time TV for a while now. They enjoyed a successful three-year stint on Brotherly Love, but also appeared in everything from All My Children to Dawson’s Creek — with Cheers, Married...with Children and ER along the way. Liz and I got along famously, but despite my numerous attempts to reach out to them, Phil and Geoffrey remained strangely distant.
STUFF: Um, excuse me. I thought I’d be interviewing Captain Liberty. Where’s the supersuit?
LIZ: When we first started shooting, people would stop and look and whistle. Then they got so used to it that I got no attention. My complaint was that they kept the set at 40 degrees, and I was in a teeny little costume — which I’m sure gave them the desired effect with my open breastplate.
I’m sorry — I blacked out there for a moment. Did you have Wonder Woman fantasies as a kid?
I thought Lynda Carter was gorgeous, but I was much more into Spider-Man. I was actually this little tomboy. My dad was a minister, and I wanted to be a superhero, and so did the associate pastor’s son. So we had a Batman-Robin thing going where I was Batman in female form and he was my Robin.
What do guys do that pisses you off?
I would teach them not to advertise things they can’t deliver. Every single guy you meet tells you what you wanna hear for the first month, and you’re thinking, This guy is amazing. I went out on a date with one guy and told him that my favorite book was Letters to a Young Poet by Rilke. I went home to his apartment and the book was sitting on his bedside table. I thought it was literary kismet, but it turned out he bought it to impress me.
No way! Are love scenes weird and awkward for you?
They’re fun! While I’ve never done any nudity, I have worn little pasties — it’s embarrassing. I had to do a major love scene with an ex-boyfriend’s best friend. I’d known this guy for nine years. It was like kissing my brother.
I know what you mean. Will we ever get to see Liz Vassey in a nude scene?
If it’s a fantastic movie with Jude Law or Ewan McGregor, I would consider it, but I would rather not. There is something so weird about walking into Starbucks and the person behind the counter is thinking, I’ve seen her naked. You wanna save something for your honey.
That’s why I stay out of Starbucks. Have you ever had sexual fantasies about women?
I like the way you think. Well, who doesn’t have a crush on Angelina Jolie? She is the hottest woman ever. I am a straight woman. But I think Lucy Liu and Angela Bassett are incredibly sexy. A lot of this is about their minds and their attitudes.
What mistakes do men make while they’re trying to get over on you?
That whole “wingman” philosophy where they are after one girl, and the girl has a friend who they’re not interested in, so one of them talks to the other girl. They zero in on the chick they want and tell her friend, “Keep the other girl busy.” Bad mistake, because if you’re gonna flirt, talk to my best friend, too. Then she’ll talk you up to me the rest of the night.
What are the best and worst pickup lines you’ve heard?
The worst one has to be “Listen, I never do this...” Of course he does! That’s just bad ’cause you’re starting out on a lie. As far as the best pickup line? The best guys don’t have to use one.
Any dating horror stories?
I have so many. I had one where the guy literally got in my ear and said, “Your mother’s a whore” to try to turn me on. So I went home with him — no, I’m kidding! That was a really bad one.
Does a guy have to be in good shape?
I don’t mind a guy. In fact, I would prefer a guy to have a gut than be too built. I’ve dated bodybuilders, and it’s just not real. It’s like hugging a shell. I’m gonna come off as the beer-guzzler’s girl in this, aren’t I?
You say that like it’s a bad thing. Do you read your fan mail?
I used to get lots of mail from people in jail. I’d get these long letters detailing my work, and there would be a P.S. that said, “Can I have a full-body picture of you in a bikini for my cell?” They knew my work ’cause they watched TV every day. What else are they gonna do?
Any pet peeves?
People who are not nice to waiters, people who drive minivans and people who harmonize at the end of “Happy Birthday.” It’s all about their voice and not the person having the birthday. Wow, that’s three. There’s a lot of hatred going on in my head!
You said it, not me. Describe the perfect kiss. Feel free to demonstrate.
I like when it stars off tender and sweet and keeps going tender and sweet till you wonder if he’s ever gonna stop being tender and sweet. And then all of a sudden, you find out he’s not just tender and sweet.
Great sex or great cheesecake?
Sex!
OK, great sex or great night’s sleep?
Why are these mutually exclusive? Why not great sex, then great cheesecake followed by a great night’s sleep?
You’re on. But first: Have you worn your Captain Liberty costume at home?
Wouldn’t you? n
