There's a widely spread misconception about male audiences that holds that a typical guy will rush out to see any movie or video as long as it features hot girls. Witness the arrogance of the producers of Time of Your Life, who figured anything starring Jennifer Love Hewitt would seduce the men of this country into shooting a massive ratings wad its way as if from a grand scale bukkake film. It didn't, and neither have a lot of other ambitious but cynical film and TV projects that aimed below men's belts but had no idea that getting past the zippers (and from there to the wallets) is trickier than it looks. The trouble is that the makers of these films either ignored or were ignorant of the two most fundamental rules of making girlie movies.

The first of these is: If the only generally known reason for seeing a movie is the girls and/or the sex, very few guys (with the possible exception of Pee Wee Herman) will have the chutzpah to see it anywhere but in their homes, where they can watch it and beat off in anonymity. Porn shops understand this, which is why anything you buy there gets put in a plain paper bag for the potentially embarrassing trip back to the car. No one wants to look like a perv in public, which is why Baywatch was a huge success and Barb Wire a huge bomb; you can always deny having ever watched Baywatch or having a thing for Pamela Anderson, but if you get caught standing in line to see Barb Wire, everyone will know that you're one of those knuckle-dragging boors who made Baywatch the number one show, that you, like every frat boy the world over, have a hard-on for Pamela Anderson — and that renewing that hard-on was so important to you that you were willing to part with eight bucks for it. In short, if beating off is the real aim of the movie, then TV, cable, or video is the only way to go.

The other rule is: TV is one thing, but in all other arenas — cinema, video, cable — if the main draw is the hot girls, there had better be some nudity and some torrid sex scenes. No guy pays money to watch hot girls in crappy movies not get naked. Look at Coyote Ugly, a movie condemned by critics as “Showgirls without the nudity”. If it had been made for TV, expectations would have been different, and instead of panning the film they might've been carrying on about how racy it is for TV. Even worse is Spice, a pay-per-jerk channel featuring hardcore pornography with all the porn edited out, leaving behind lukewarm softcore videos that differ from the Cinemax After Dark variety only in their shorter length and homelier actresses. My roommate, ever hopeful, will occasionally order a six-hour block of castrated pornage from the Spice channel, only to be let down again and again like Charlie Brown running to kick the football that Lucy always yanks away; I know better and refuse to buy into it.

Which brings us to the mystery and magic of Stacy Moran.

An adult model who's posed for Hustler and Penthouse — she was the “smart one” of a gaggle of Penthouse Pets appearing on The Howard Stern Show once for a game of Jeopardy — Stacy's now a minor but regular character on Showtime's sex comedy series Hot Springs Hotel (and perhaps one of the only actresses on the show whose generous proportions aren't so glaringly artificial), which means that fans who haven't seen her in anything since 1994's Embrace of the Vampire and were too embarrassed to rent the videos she's been in since can now see her in the privacy of their own homes not only nude but simulating sex. Huzzah.

The trouble with this is that Hot Springs Hotel is, in its way, more prudish than even the Spice channel. Whereas the latter censors actual sex acts, Hot Springs doesn't need to, its sex simulations being so languidly desexualized that it can hardly be mistaken for the real thing. It's almost as if the actors involved think they're posing for still photography, and what's more is that one gets the sense that there's something written in the contracts dictating that all physical contact in the scene be kept to an absolute minimum. It's like watching a very slow, disinterested lapdance. And given the other, less prudish fare on cable these days — stuff too hardcore for the Spice channel, I'd bet — I have to wonder why anyone would watch Hot Springs Hotel.

And therein lies the unholy power of Stacy Moran: Lousy chicken-choking material as Hot Springs is, it still manages to reel me in for the whole damn show as long as Stacy's in it. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I've seen Stacy in anything before this and I'm drawn by the novelty of seeing her again, maybe I'm just a sucker for her face and physique regardless, but I suspect that even if she never appeared nude on the show, I'd still watch it. I'd hate myself afterwards for sitting through yet another half hour of stillborn porn, and even more so knowing that I'd probably watch it again if given the chance.

But the worst part of this, of course, is that for all my ranting about the ignorance and cynicism that help to put bad softcore in theaters and on cable, it's the minority of dedicated, fanboy idiots like me that lull moviemakers into thinking they can get away with it, that making crap like Time of Your Life is a safe bet. Hot Springs Hotel is about as unerotic as it is unfunny — with or without Stacy Moran — but in the end, it seems, I have only myself to blame.

Also sprach Golem.

Film

• Embrace of the Vampire (1994) .... Nymph III

• Hot Springs Hotel: “Money Trouble” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “Cheerleaders” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “To Your Health” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “Bachelorette Party” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “Rock Star” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “Layout” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Hot Springs Hotel: “Fantasy” (1998; Showtime) .... Vicky
• Erotic Confessions: Private Dance (1997) .... Camille

• Lingerie Passion (2002) .... Model
• Hot Body Competition: Lusty Lingerie Contest (1996) .... Herself
• Erotic Heat: “Dining Room” (1996) .... Model
• Body Language: “Motorcycle” (1996) .... Model
• Penthouse Pet Rocks (1995) .... Pet
• Penthouse Swimsuit Video 2 (1994) .... Pet

• Valentina’s Rehearsal of Fortune Part 2
• Valentina’s Rehearsal of Fortune Part 1
• Sex Kitten
• Racy Stacy .... Herself
• Potpourri
• The Doll, Part 2 .... The doll
• The Doll, Part 1 .... The doll

Miscellaneous

• Stacy Moran Filmography
  Internet Movie Database
  Always up-to-date filmography
• Stacy Moran
  Wikipedia
  Stacy Moran in wikireality